I’m staring at a piece of paper begging the words to rearrange.
Nine options of what to do next, all which feel dismally wrong.
This current housesit, just west of my Mercury mind line got me a little cocky, a little giddy.
I felt like my mind became a super power, harnessing Mercurian forces of inspired genius.
And so – when I hatched a plan, I assumed hatching any plan under this energy would result in parade cheering red carpet perfection.
My glass half full Pollyanna mind could only see the happy magical juju in moving east of my Mercury line and closer to my gorgeous universally craved Venus line of who, how and what I love. I mean, surely, that’s gotta be the sweet spot right? That sweet little pocket right between my Mercury and Venus lines – safely nestled amongst their two giant bosoms of planetary goodness. But my capacity for denial is strong and truth is, I was ignoring one crucial factor.
Saturn.
My dirty little biatch. 😅😅🤣🤣
I would like to say I’ve befriended this sky beast and wrestled him into a sexy tango of passion infused order and hard work, like a hot Saturnian disciple.
But the only tango that’s happening right now is me being stampeded by Saturn’s bad arsed flamenco footwork, right over my face and life.
I can almost hear him chuckling quietly in the corner, saying “Don’t forget me servant!”
You see, I’ve got Saturn and Venus conjunct in my chart, to one degree (aka – smack bang on top of each other). What this means is that for the rest of my days on planet earth, these two puppies are intertwined. Kinda like Siamese twins. My personal Love, Obstacle and Order Venus-Saturn combo sky beast – stalking me till I die. It’s a good time, let me tell you.
And my denial being what it is – I was not ready for Saturn c*ck blocking every attempt I made to find housing anywhere near him, unless that housing involved being his biatch.
An opportunity to work in exchange for a room, only to have it taken away a day later, just when I got attached.
Cleaning ten hours a week to share a room with 2-3 other people, with nowhere to work or grasp onto one fibre of my sanity.
Paid cleaning work for developing country wages, risking reinjuring my feet (which got injured when I last visited this little mofo line) just for the privilege of renting a shitty cabin or room.
A post on one fb site led to hot-cold off timing maybes and caca-fueled offers.
A post on another site was blocked and rejected by admin.
Truth is, this puppy is hard core.
He’s like an ultra-condom or the grandparent I never had – looking out for me in ways I can’t really understand cos this mofo is billions of years old. (Saturn not the condom) 😅😅.
But I swear I’m trying.
“Bad arsed sky beast – what do you want from me?
What am I meant to do because you my homeboy are the anti-flow!!?”
Truth is, his wild tsunami of blocks, slavery options and NOs have left me in a tizzy.
The Disney Princess vibes I felt driving into Kaikoura, entering my Jupiter Sun portal, about luck and shining, with the song lyrics literally saying ‘you’re here to shine’ as I drove into town – all smashed by his stomping hissy fit of NOs.
He’s a friggen joy kill and I don’t think I’m meant to live anywhere near him. In fact I’m scared that any attempt to do so will turn me into a jaded deranged nutter.
Saturn kicked in my lady nuts. No – the answer is no.
Attempt after attempt gone wrong.
Everything blocked or infused with something tough as nails or decidedly unpleasant.
And so, assuming he’s not just Satan’s 2IC that wants to drain every last millimetre of mirth from my being, I’m left to unravel his clues.
But – What if he wants something better for me?
If I’m working my tail off to get my business to support me financially, maybe he’s trying to help me.
Saturn wants work. He wants order. He wants structure and systems.
And that’s what I thought I was doing in Kaikoura. Finding a base and then buckling down to work on my business. But, finding a base literally proved impossible in any way that felt like a yes. Home boy was like – my way or the highway.
What if Saturn is just testing my sexy butt?
What if he doesn’t want me to suffer, but instead, to learn discernment and my own inner power?
What if he doesn’t want me to be his biatch, but rather his Queen and to meet him as an equal, standing strong in our united epic-ness?
I have no idea what to do with my Venus-Saturn Love & Order mutant beast. It’s a quandary to my psyche but travelling the lines and feeling them play out like a real live game is no joke. It leaves no confusion as to what is happening in my chart.
There’s something screaming to be understood here.
Who do I choose to be in the world?
Slave or master?
Saturn wants to explore work and power and discipline.
He’s like a Jedi master testing me to overcome obstacles along the way – checking if I’ve mastered the skills.
But who’s to say I can’t ride his waves?
Who’s to say I can’t learn to treat obstacles like games? Like pieces in a great game of life.
And what if – despite his unfriendly c*ck blocking joy kill ways, his wisdom is Buddha deep and his blocks open new unimaginable doors?
What if by closing one door, he gently nudges other, way shinier (and scarier) doors that are aching to be opened?
I have a deep, terrifying suspicion that I’m meant to go to another country way sooner than anticipated.
Saturn’s making me realise that every time I get somewhere, I want to stay.
Whether it’s right or wrong – I want to stay.
I immediately think about staying.
My brainstem always takes over, craving sameness and stability and says – you’re alive here, things are ok here – let’s stay – forget all those unruly travel plans. Let’s keep you alive.
But what if truly, in the game of life there are absolutely no accidents.
What if it wasn’t wrong that I was so deeply called to Hanmer Springs and Kaikoura?
Because Hanmer Springs showed me that moving closer to the beauty of my Venus line makes my heart crack wide open like a nut.
It almost groans near such vast expansive beauty.
And being even closer to my Venus line in Kaikoura turned up the dial even more. I was nervous-laughing out loud on the drive in cos I didn’t know what would happen to me around this much beauty. Was I gonna combust into a cellular portal of ecstatic pleasure? It didn’t seem legal to be allowed to experience something so utterly extraordinary. Where mountains met ocean met magic met wonder met what-the-actual is going on here!! 😜🤪💥
And the truth bomb that I hate very hard is this:
Saturn is the planet of order and discipline.
I hate order and discipline because they suck the joy out of my existence.
But if I don’t befriend order and discipline, and create structure for money and work, then I won’t be able to live the life I want. So at a disturbing level, I get that this Saturn mo-fo has something to teach me. That in a sick way – he has my back. But he’s cryptic AF and my Saturn decoder is MIA.
All I can say for now is that he has stopped me in my tracks.
I thought I had a plan. I felt confident and cocky and sure – and all my attempts came to squat.
I have under four days left of this housesit and I have no idea what I’m doing next or where I’m going.
Suddenly I don’t know if I’m staying in New Zealand or leaving.
I don’t know if I’m going back to Oz.
And I don’t know if I’m going from here to another country to start a new adventure.
The sense I get is that Saturn just got jiggy with my intuition and that the pair are hatching a new plan.
It’s unpleasant AF and I am quietly freaking out.
But deep down, if I’m willing, I know that there’s always a perfection to the rhythm of things.
Ways I couldn’t imagine.
Paths I wouldn’t take cos of fear.
And so – for now, I’m sitting in the unknown that in four days, my life will change – possibly in a huge way.
And my job is to trust.
To trust so hard that my faith overpowers the churning fear that has been building all week, ready to expel from my own personal blow hole.
I need to trust.
Especially when things don’t go as planned.
To tweak and compass correct and adapt.
To trust that my new idea and way and path will come.
To trust that no matter what happens, what life brings me, within it all, amongst it all, I am well.
That I am well and loved and held and supported and protected.
That all is well.
And that a magical step awaits me next – if I’m willing to let it in.
So for now – I surrender.
I let go of it all.
All the planning and control and attempts to get ducks in a row.
I let go of the whole thing.
And I trust myself to create my next magical chapter in absolute perfection.