I’m lying on the sofa, under the snuggle blankie, eyes closed.
I wish I could say they’re closed cos I’m taking a micro nap or mini chill sesh.
No such luck.
They’re closed because they’ve been Tarzan grip shut by my soul who’s forcing my hand into a spontaneous heart healing which is apparently happening right freaking now.
My brain has been muted and lids are closed.
It’s like a mild mushroom journey while stone sober.
I’m floating in a pool of light and can literally feel my cells recalibrating.
I swear I feel them moving around, as though playing a game of chess, committed to check mating my ‘trust no-one’ story once and for all.
It’s as though a tiny fairy has taken over my brain, head and body and has the remote control to all faculties.
And they’re keen AF on removing this 50 year program.
They’re wiping that puppy clean in real time while I take a time out from being human. 😅😅
Finally, once I’m certain that my soul is defs gonna win this tug-o-war, I let go.
My neck and arm are cracking every thirty seconds as they spasm and twitch at the caca being drained out of me.
It feels like an exorcism if exorcisms could be a good thing.
Like I’m ready, my soul has given consent and now all that’s left to do is to let it happen.
It’s like watching a huge domino run. The domino has been struck and now all I can do is watch the glorious destruction.
I feel like I’m somewhere else, like Heaven or purgatory or somewhere that isn’t real earth in real time. Like I’m suspended in a good way, being held safely in some benevolent force’s hands. Like something wonderful is happening and I’m being cared for in the most wonderful way.
And it feels like it’s happening with the help of other beings, but at the same time, that these beings are intrinsically connected to my own soul, almost as though they’re part of me, or me in another time space or realm. And it’s as though the details don’t even matter cos all that matters is that I know this is good.
I can feel the good.
I can feel the good pouring through me as the bitterness gets drained away.
Let it go.
Stop.
Enough.
I feel the words gently land in me, not as criticisms, but facts.
Enough.
Enough with the suffering.
Enough with the resentment.
Enough.
This is not who you are.
This is not the real me.
I am more than this.
And then I feel my heart being activated.
It’s as though it’s being squeezed but from inside me.
As though my soul is the one doing the squeezing, cos it knows exactly what I need.
And it’s telling me that I need to give myself love, not with my mind, not with affirmations, but with my heart.
To pulse love out from my very own heart and to pour it through and into my own body. Into all of me.
To flood myself with love, my perfect imperfect self with love, from my own precious human heart.
I let my body lead and my heart takes over in a way I’ve never felt before and it’s only in this moment that I realise that for a long time, I’ve loved with my mind.
What’s happening here is a whole other thing.
This is love pouring out of my chest and flooding my body.
And as it does I feel ripples of ecstatic love pour into my cells, as a pure loving force that wishes me so well, that loves me so completely, it’s breaking my brain.
I’m sending myself a love that I’ve never been able to send until now.
I’ve always wanted to love myself unconditionally, always known that it would be the kahuna burger of all the loves.
And I’ve been climbing that stack for years.
But this moment. This one tiny precious moment of love from my own heart to my own body, mind, heart and soul has shaken me with its power.
It feels like a force of love that could move mountains and change the world.
It feels so big and I feel so small and I’m shocked that something so magical and inconceivably spectacular could be happening on this ordinary day in this ordinary moment, on my sofa, under my snuggle blankie.
Self-love, real self-love is like God pouring through me as me.
It’s shocking and humbling and tears are rolling down my face.
I love you Aaila.
I love you.
Forever in this life, no matter what happens, I will stand by you.
I will protect you.
I will hold and honour you no matter what for the rest of my days.
And without knowing it, I believe I have just had some type of marriage ceremony to and with myself.
This is one of the most sacred moments I’ve ever felt.
This love inside for me as me.
And they’re saying… it’s only just begun.