I’m on edge. Like I’ve lost my centre and can’t remember how to find it.
It’s been a huge few weeks where I’ve finally started the VLOG my intuition’s been telling me to start for a year and a half. But I have no idea what’ll come of it. I’m sitting in this huge vulnerability hang over, sharing my heart and soul online. Praying some good will come – that maybe it’ll lead to the life I feel I’m meant to be living. But for now – nada. 😅🙏🤲
There’s no evidence that all the work I’m putting in is gonna lead to any reward and I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll fail again. I’m scared of looking like an idiot. I’m scared it’ll be a huge waste of time and energy and I’ll be left feeling like a useless failure all over again.
My shadows are going stupid. It’s approaching a full moon with some hectic aspects and I feel wobbly. Like my feet are on unsteady ground because the truth is – my ground is unsteady.
I’m literally in the last throws of uprooting my whole life to follow my intuition guiding me to a new life overseas. My soul is saying it’s done with my home land of Australia and that there’s a bigger, more beautiful life for me in other lands, if I’m willing to step out of my comfort zone to go find it.
But today, my heart is weary. Weary from the loss, the heart ache, the disappointment and the decades of trying. Today I’m tired. Today my human is calling out saying ‘mumma – take care of me. Mumma – I need you. Mumma I’m sad. Mumma I’m scared.’
And I no longer make it wrong. I no longer judge my cute little human that co-pilots with my inner child and begs me to stop. To stop the change. To stop the new. To stop dreaming. To stop believing.
Because deep down, I know my inner cutie needs this as much as me. She aches for a new life. She yearns to feel like she belongs somewhere. For a place where she’s welcomed with nanna hugs of open arms loving her so fiercely she can barely let them in.
But she will let them in cos I’ll help her. I’ll help her believe that she can be loved in ways she’s spent years dreaming of. A love that opens her, builds her and satiates her soul. A love that brings her to her knees with gratitude. A love that makes her want to spin and dance and fly and sing and weep and shout out loud to the gods ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.’
Finally – my time will come and the rains of love will come and I will bask in the sweet drenching of being seen by those who matter most. Being seen by those who want me to open not close. Those who want me to shine and shout. Those who want to see me rise into the most powerful, glorious, flamboyant, innocent version of myself.
Because I am all these things. I am everything and so are you and so are we all.
But for me – it’s been hard to find people who want to sit with me under this new tree of my wild opening. My blooming into my most radiant self. Because they don’t know what kind of tree I’ll be. And fair enough – cos I don’t know what kind of tree I’ll be. 🤪😉🦄✨
But what I do know is that I have to keep opening and opening and opening. No more shrivelling up because I can’t see the fruit. No more giving up on the magic inside me.
Like a tree, I’m a seed with new roots in the ground, doing my best to remember the blueprint of what I’m here to do. It’s scary. It’s easier to listen to everyone else and to look around at the other trees for a sign of what to do or how to do it. But that doesn’t feel true for me because that’s not who I am.
I am a being of light. And so are you. We’re not so different really – you and I. Both seekers, both dreamers, both knowers of vast secret truths that we keep inside.
But all secrets yearn a place to land safely. All secrets want to be told because they’re magic. They’re special. They’re beautiful.
I don’t know my secrets. I don’t know the greatest secrets inside me because I’ve been too scared to see them. What if they’re too big? What if they turn my life on its head?
But my life’s turning on its head anyway so now all that’s left to do is to let my seed unfurl like a fern in slow motion. Leaf by leaf with its’ fibonacci spiral, spinning me into its’ new world, its’ new land, its’ mysteries.
And I know what’s left to do is to let myself fall. To fall fall fall into the great mystery of it all.
To fall fall fall into the magic of who I am.
To fall fall fall into myself.
Until one day, in the not so distant future, I look up from the sweet rubble of my old life, shake myself off and say, wow – look who I’ve become.
I’m beautiful and wonderful and deep down I knew this was inside me all along.
I’m brave and powerful and I knew my inner child was both a lover and a fighter.
I’m sweet and kind and I knew I have the right to be all these things.
All parts of me. No more choosing. No more boxes.
Wild, untamed and free.