I do social media like reps.
I do it in bursts, like an athlete in training ‘cos that’s what it feels like.
Energy bursts of sharing followed by equal bursts of bunkering.
That’s been the pattern for so long that I never really questioned the deeper why until now.
And now, after three weeks of sharing again, the why is revealing itself without asking.
When I’m on social media, it’s hard not to play the looking game. The checking game of comparison. How many people have watched it. Have they responded? Is anything happening? And if nothing is happening (or the numbers don’t seem sufficient), then why am I doing this? Maybe I’m not doing it right? Maybe I’m not that interesting? Maybe I’m delusional thinking I’m meant to share online? Maybe nobody cares what I have to say? And again – maybe I’m just not that friggen interesting. 😅😅
And what starts from a true desire to share my heart gets corrupted by my comparison and doubt demons who rally up as a team threatening to take me out in the socials jousting ring. 😅😅😉
On their own, I can handle them. But when they double up, they become a formidable opponent ready to cut me.😅😉
I had all these dreams as a young child, teen and young adult. Everything seemed possible. I was so connected to Spirit and it seemed like the world was a fabulous benevolent force, ready to deliver all my desires, like a fairy godmother on tap.
And now after three decades of adulting, with a bunch of proper battle scars, sometimes I look up at my crew upstairs and wonder what in sweet mother’s name they’re doing with my life.
Why aren’t more pieces lined up? Why doesn’t my life look shinier? Why aren’t I ‘successful’ in ‘typical’ ways? Why do things sometimes still feel ‘hard’?
My doubting days generally arise when I’ve been sharing again for a block of time and not much has come of it at the pace I’d like.
Spirit’s told me that something significant will happen at VLOG 20. I’ve just done VLOG 7 so you can see that’s a li’l while away, but seriously, I’m pretty relieved they didn’t say VLOG 98 cos I would have had to lay down and pray for death for a few minutes before rocking myself out of that one. 😅😉🤣
I ache to live a life where I’m free to spend my days as I choose. To make VLOGS, write blog posts or work on novels or books, to write and play music, to dance and do yoga, to be mesmerised by nature, to laugh and share deeply playing and connecting with friends, to make love and delight in love when I’m in partnership.
I want it all. To be in it all. To drink it all in. The juicy parts. Cos I want a juicy life, brimming with magic and all the good things that fill my cup. But it always feel like this life eludes me. Like it’s just out of reach. One step away. Like I can never quite reach it.
And the bummer with having been obsessed with personal development my entire adult life is that I know this thinking can’t bring me the life I want. That it defies the laws of nature and to truly bring in the life I want, I have to start feeling and living now as though I’m in my dream life.
And here lies the conundrum. The manifesting game that I always seem to strike out in. The one where I have to sit in the energy of what I’m bringing in, living as though it’s already happening. But damn baby – that’s one tough chestnut to sit in when the puppy isn’t here.
But – is this actually true or just my dodgy lens?
In truth, I’m profoundly free now. So free. My days are mine to do with as I wish. There’s no real limits or restrictions on my time. It’s up to me when I book my occasional client sessions and work. It’s up to me who I spend time with. In theory, I couldn’t have much more freedom than I have now.
I guess what pisses me off is that the base of abundance isn’t there the way I’d like it to be. And even though there’s evidence that the universe is supporting me, throwing random speaking gigs my way, constantly reminding me that miracles happen, sometimes, I put my faulty glass-half-empty lenses on and everything looks sketchy af. 😅😜
And that’s no-one’s fault. It’s mine.
Because there’s only one reality. And the truth is – I know the universe is benevolent. I know if any challenges happen, that they’re happening in my favour. That challenges are there for me to grow and overcome things in order to do what I need to do, be who I need to be or meet who I need to meet. That the dodgy bits always end up bringing me King Tut sized gifts.
But where I struggle is in the moment. Keeping the faith on the battlefield of life when I’m in the ring with doubt and comparison. When those two chestnuts have me by the jugular saying “you can’t do this” or “you’ll never be as interesting as them.”
Because the bummer is that I have no evidence that their annoying little chirps are untrue. And in those moments, all I have is my faith. My faith in myself. My faith in this voice inside guiding me forward. My faith in what feels true – the path that feels right. And again, the reminder to stay in my own lane, do my own life and to simply … keep going.
It’s so tempting to be ashamed of my two unwanted ‘guests’. But these days, I can’t be cruel to myself. The days of slaying myself for being a human are done and now I simply accept that like every other human, I’ll have my days. Tough days in the ring where formidable opponents arise and it’s up to me to say a clear firm NO to them and go on. To keep playing the game of life. To keep getting up if they nick me. And to stay true to my inner voice and path, trusting again, that the good is both already here and that way more good is coming. 😉
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