Not one more time.
Not one more time will I sacrifice my truth for the people I love.
Not one more time.
I am no longer willing to sacrifice my peace, my energy, my time, my light, my frequency, my mental health to be a ‘good’ friend, sister or person.
I am done.
I’m done trying to do the right thing. The nice thing. The good thing.
And so instead, I’m walking away, leaving a trail of disarray.
Carnage on the battle field as people fight me on my truth and I have to stake a claim for it like my life depends on it.
Because it does.
I can no longer go on attempting to win love from people who are no longer aligned.
People who no longer operate the same way I do and who want to dance a different dance.
I can’t make them dance my tango any more than I can dance their hip hop.
Neither is better or more right but they just don’t mix.
I’m done pretending I can hip hop.
And so again – I walk alone.
There are a few new possible tango peeps lurking.
Evidence of the new, like seeds of hope sprinkled on my path for this exact moment.
Hope there’s something more for me than dismantling every significant relationship in my life with people in my most intimate sharing circle.
Because they’re gone.
And what’s left is balance and space.
Balanced relationships based on love that don’t give or take much.
Relationships where you don’t go super deep and have chilled occasional contact. Easy peasy breezy.
You accept the differences and different stages of life you’re in and you surrender to the limitations of the relationship, enjoying the light sprinkling of love and good vibes.
And the space. This feels like a whole new portal of Aladdin joy.
What will come now that I’ve finally cut the cord on the last string of my self-sacrificing relationships.
I feel relieved and shocked and scared and wondrous and worried and playful and hopeful and
Wow. What’s gonna happen next?
I’ve never been here before.
After 52 years, I’ve finally let go of toxic relationship patterns sacrificing what I need.
And finally – after half a century of tackling this hairy rascal in the ring as a pretty serious contender, I’ve pierced him lightly with my dagger of Truth and simply said
“No f*cking more.”
“Not one more time.”
“Never f*cking again.”
I feel like I’d literally die before sliding back into this again.
And now it seems almost insane to expect that any good could have come from this kind of lie.
Because that’s what I’ve been doing for years.
Lying.
Pretending I’m ok when I’m not ok.
Pretending I’m happy when I’m so not happy.
To not upset people. To not hurt their feelings. To not look like a sociopath. To not feel like a sociopath.
But thank sweet Mary, Joseph and all the friggen puppies upstairs to the power of a million.
Cos finally I landed in my “enough is enough.”
And it was a palpable moment.
One tiny piece added and my pot of Truth started bubbling over like a friggen sh*t storm.
For two weeks I’ve been brain haemorrhaging old agonies and feelings of betrayal and rage.
But within it all – hope.
Seeds of hope.
And now after the ‘wrap up conversation’, the strings are all tied up and we’re clear that for now we’re not making a Hip Hop Tango fusion mixed tape.
We’re going our separate ways and will do our best to love each other from afar, respecting that for now, we simply can’t give each other what we need.
There’s such a relief in ending the game.
A game I didn’t even know I was playing – such was my willingness to do whatever needed to be done to hold onto the last of my intimate sharing friends.
But this time, the voice inside was unquestioning.
Fierce, immediate and clear.
Not one more time.
And so – here I sit in the new.
On the cusp of my new life.
A life that I trust will bless me with so much beauty.
So much peace. Overflowing with love and belonging and joy.
So – with every cell of my being, I open my heart to new love.
To new friendships that meet me in ways that I can Celebrate and don’t question.
To a soul family in a similar stage of life that has space for quality time, cheering each other on like bosses as we live our most epic lives.
And to communities where I feel home, where I feel met and welcomed as an equal and where life has a joyous balance between simple sweet rituals and wild ride adventures into the unknown.
I want it all.
In the biggest boldest way.
This is my prayer for my life.
So if you’ve gone through the trenches, have lost everything and are standing on a precipice like a boss – I say, let’s stand together.
Cos together we’re stronger.
Together we can help each other believe that no matter how far we fall, or if we’re the only ones left standing, we’ll keep going.
Until finally – we’re drenched in the wild torrent of love we so deeply deserve.
From my heart to yours.
This is my prayer for us all.
For me and for the world.
The courage to let go.
And the courage to do what it takes to build the new.